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Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
16 January 2008 @ 09:49 pm
  So, I am going to JM tomorrow. I am really, really, reaaaaally afraid of how things will turn out: I want him to be nice & fun to talk with. I don't want him to be as rude as he had been last time. I so don't know what to do, I forgot how to act with him. Or, did i? GOOOODDD! Maybe I shouldn't go.. But Kristina & Valerie are going too and they seemed happy to go, but they don't have to impress R; or to talk to him anyway. Ahh, I don't know what to do, I'm gonna hyperventilate if I keep stressing and worrying about that...
  I know what would Mrs. Gilbert say. She would say to take a deep breath and to relax, that I am not responsible of him being either or not in a good mood. He doesn't know. 
  Amylie said he was happy, lately. I should not worry, really. But it is stronger than me, I just can't help it. I'm going to wake up too early on tomorrow, so it'll just get worst. Ahhh, help me someone... Maybe he's happy with Amylie but won't with me? I want to talk to him like we did last time with Kristina, it was awesome. It helped me go through the first half of the first semester. It didn't go well for the second half and look how I've been for about 2 or 3 weeks. And now I need to go though the second semester. An awful semester with a crappy timetable and full or work. And if he's mean & bitchy, i don't know what will happen with me. Oh, I need him to be kind to me... Pleaaaase!!!! 
  My hair looked good today, I hope it'll be the same tomorrow. What will he think about my new almost-blond hair? Will he think I'm trying to do the same as M.? Oh, God, I hope not!!! I had a dream about her last night, btw, that was funny. Maybe it means something? Ahhh, shut up. 
  I am definitely shutting up now. 
  I. xx
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: silence - delerium ft. sarah mclauchlin
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
14 January 2008 @ 11:36 pm
  I'm all sad now & i don't really understand why. I miss him like hell and I just understood something while i was talking on msn with maude. i thought i never would be able to live my life again the way i did before without him, i thought him being far from me would freeze any social desire and all the passion that is in me. I thought life would be all dark and awful all the time, i thought that i could not go on without him. but, as time passed, i realized that reality got over me and my sorrow, and i started to live normally & i stopped being sad. i made new friends, i laughed: i even thought i was interested by someone else, a friend of mine actually. i go on and have fun, i breathe life again. and, thought all that story froze something in me - like the way i will never see a silver Honda Civic without looking at who's driving it, i will never again see guitars' players the way i did before, neither people who study biochemistry, and all that stuff - i understand that i'm getting over him. Not really, because i still love him, but, i mean, i'm okay. i spend time with my friends, i'm looking for a boyfriend, i feel all creative with my GA fanfic...
 I thought being away from him would freeze everything, i thought the world would definitely stop and i would never be able to smile or laugh again. and look at me. it's not that i feel that i'm betraying him. well, yes, in a way, i feel like i'm betraying almost 3 years of love - well, 2 years & a half near him - by getting over his absence so well. of course, if someone tells me he's teaching sciences or all that, i'll get all weird, but i don't know... i'm better. and yes i miss him, i miss his dark & big eyes, i miss his childish smile, his thick and careless dark brown hair. i miss his body that was too tall and too thin, the way he always looked horrible on pictures... yes i miss him terribly, but i live, i live even if i'm without him.
 I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
 I feel horrible, i think. and i'm seeing him on thursday. and i'm afraid of how he will be. and what i'll say to him. if i was smart, i wouldn't talk to him that much, i'd be polite and concentrate more on my other conversations. i would have done that before, back to the times when i used to see him more often. but now, i won't see him until a couple of months, so i know i'll probably try to talk to him the most i can. i just wish it will go well. oh god! 
 I remember that poem-kind of text i wrote last year, when i was mad at him because he was rude. just before things started to get well between the 2 of us. i'll copy it under that cut. it reminds me of the times i felt that life had somethin to bring me... 
 Well done, i am crying now... oh god... i miss him so badly... i want him back. i want last year back. i want my old life back!!!! i hate all this. oh god! i want to die. i want him again. i want him again. i am not right when you are not around!!!!!!!
 I don't care that i'm going with Gab, Anne, Maude, Charles, Louis and all those cégep people tomorrow, i don't fuckin care how fun it will be. i don't care about the dinner i'm having on friday with Maude (x2) & Laurence. I don't care going back to Jm on Thursday. I just want my old life back. I want to see him. I want to chat casually with him, say things i would have not said because i was so shy and worried. i want to be back last year. at that same time. january 14th, 2007. one year ago. when life was sweet & fun, when i was with my loved one. when i still thought life had a sense. 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: bittersweet - within temptation
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
14 January 2008 @ 12:48 am

 I want Addek back!!! I really, really, really do. I don't like Mer/Der that much. I liked them in season 1 & at the beginning of season 2, but now, they're so over! haha! but shonda thought they were not. and look what she's done with season 4. Blah! Thought I just loooove the "break-up" scene between Addison & Derek, you know the flashback on the first episode of the third season. "We can survive this! We're... We're Addison & Derek!!" - "I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel obnoxious... We're not Derek and Addison anymore." Awwww!!
 And now I'll calm down. And I'll probably write, either in my fanfic or in my story. 
 Krisina, Valerie & I are going back to JM Wednesday or Thursday!!!! Yaaaay!!!! Finally!! I can't wait!! He'll be there & we'll prob. talk. So I wish he'll be nicer. He gotta be nicer. I just have to do like last year and be confident. I'll be confident. I want him to be like the first time, last august, when we went with Kristina. that was absolutely perfect. ooooh, i haven't seen him in like 3 months, i wonder if he changed, i wonder if it'll still be as stong as it was?
 "If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that i am?"
 And, Friday, Maude, Maude & Laurence are coming over for a nice supper with great wine & great conversations!! Ohh, and I'm getting my cégep timetable tomorrow at 9 am!!! oouh, i can't wat to see that!!!! 
 And why am i that hyper? 
And I love that Daniel Bedingfield song that I just discovered, a song that probably everyone knew. haha!
 So I should go back to my writing. and Anne-Marie - when she'll come back - will send me some doctors game. yaaay, i'll pretend it's grey's. ^^ 
 wow, there is so many hearts in this entry, lmao!

Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: if you're not the one - daniel bedingfield
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
10 January 2008 @ 04:57 pm
 I finished the first chapter of my GA fanfic & posted it both on FF.net & GA_fanfic. I hope I'll get revieeeeews!!! X3 I wrote the last sentences this afternoon while I was getting ready to go out, and now it's done! And I've gotta get ideas for my second chapter! I don't really know where I'm heading with this story, but anyways. I'll see what will come out of that. 
 I'm going for a coffee with Laurence & Maude tonight: we had promised ourselved we would see each other often during the 5 blissful weeks of vacantion, and now, there's only 1 week and a half left and we're doing something together for the first time! It's always like that, isn't it? I'm sad, though, I was supposed to go to Montreal this week-end and go to Anne-Marie's, but my aunt called me and said she couldn't go, so i'm staying in quebec. It's ok, I'll sleep & go get coffees or do something with people, i guess, but I would have liked to see Anne-Marie very much. =( 
 I really should write in Laws, but I actually hate it to death. And I don't know what I can do to make me love it more. It's just 100 something pages of crap. It's boring and totally useless. I hate it. I'm still thinking about what I can do to make it less crappy, but I don't have any ideas. Blaaah!
 Kristina's coming back on Sunday, and we'll decide when we're going to JM. CAN'T WAIT!!! =D But I hope it'll go better. I hope he's gonna be nicer. I mean, the other day, he was kind of rude and not cool. But Amylie told me that it was like that for like a month, and he became all friendly and nice again after that. I'm really worried though, I think I'm the matter in all that... Aaah, I hate how I get when I think about that, and when I think about the times he was not in a good mood. 
 I should go eat something before leaving. But I just keep saying boring things in my LJ. Maybe that is why no one is reading it: because I keep writing boring stuff. I wirte boring stuff everywhere, so it's not new. 
 Okay. Shut up now.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: naadaaa
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
08 January 2008 @ 10:38 pm
 Yaaay, my new Chasing Cars  Lolita layout is working!!!!! :D :D It is gorgeous, isn't it?? I really love it!!!
 My new obsession for Grey's Anatomy lead me to FanFiction.net & the wonderful idea to write my own Grey's fanfic. I hadn't written fanfics since i'm like 13, so it was weird at first, but i guess it's like bicycle, you never forget. though i haven't written in english for a long time, i felt all clumsy & bad at first. i'll post it there as soon as my first chap is done!! I hope i'll get more reviews that i used to do back in 2003. 
  Hm, what else? I'm going back to JM - my old high school - with Kristina next week: we'll decide which day as soon as she'll come back from florida. i like kristina a lot! & i like going to JM with her. I can't wait to see my old teachaahs! *giggles*
  I have to forget him. I really do.
  Tomorrow, Cath's coming over. Woah, it's been aaaages since we last did something together!!! Oh, and tuesday night, i'll go for a coffee with some of my cégep friends, and next week-end, i'm going to montreal with my aunt and, after, i'll go see anne-marie. if my mum stops bugging me about how far is the bus station and all that crap. blah! 
  What else? I WANNA HAVE MY COTE R NOW!!! But i'll only get it in Feb. Blah again. But, as i saw, my school results are above average everywhere - except in maths, where i'm only 2 points below, so it probably won't be that bad... And they don't ask huge results to teach sciences or to go in biochemistry. only, since i'm obsessed with grey's, i feel like doing a surgeon and, there, i need like super high results.... i don't know what to do with my life: teaching sciences, research in biochemistry or try for either optometrist, surgeon or psychiatris? 
   Anyways. i'll work on my FF for a while. Or write a few words in my book.
  Oh, talking about my novel, i actually hate it and feel like re-writing all the 140 something pages. THAT IS CRAP THAT WILL NEVER GET PUBLISHED. And I don't know how to get out of the crap. It's as if i can't stop wedging into crap each time i try to write. Once again, Blaaah!!!! 
  Okay, okay, i stop whining, and try to get out of the crap. or write in my Fanfic so I could post it on here.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: epiphany - staind
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
26 October 2007 @ 05:20 pm
 This week had been quite hard, probably because i've been suffering from an enormous lack of sleep each day. And i am so glad that it is over, though i have a math exam thuesday, so i'll have to study. BLAH!
Last Sunday, Amylie and I went eating together and, as we ate like pig, we after took a big walk, and walked from the St-Hubert to his house. It was funny, I had a great time! =] 
And yesterday, we went out with the "femmes arétès", my friends from the cégep, and had a great time too. it was funny, we went to the "Bar chez son Père" and drank beer and listened to some singers singing quebecker songs, that was really cool. and we all slept at Laurence's, and that was sooo funny. i really love them, though i miss high school so much.
my mood isn't better, i have to admit. i have no motivation anymore, i can't stand studying anymore and i hate school. i hate everything, and i cry all the time in my bed. i miss him so much, it's unbearable.
anyways. i have to study my math. ewww.

I. ♥
Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: all i want :: toad and the wet sprocket
Mad'Moizelle Isabelle
13 October 2007 @ 05:43 pm
 god, i am lucky sometimes. wednesday, i was at the mall waiting for a friend: i was inside, at the door, because it was raining and all blah outside. so i was waiting for her as i was looking by the window & i saw him in his car, waiting for the red light to turn green. i didn't want him to see me, so i kind of hid behind the electric stairs. but then, his car turned & went into the underground parking, so i hid again. and i climbed the stairs and wandered into the Simons. hmm, i don't know if i would have liked him to see me. i don't know what we would have said. & i prefer not having him see me then having him see me and saying nothing. i do not want to believe that we have nothing to say to each other. we have. 

besides from my Hum, i went shopping yesterday!!! finally! i was craving for a shooping spree for so long, now, & i bought lovely clothing that i love! and my favourite author was signing for her new book at the book store, so i went, and we talked. she told me that i speak really well (though i don't think so because i was all nervous). she's a grand woman! & i can't wait to start her new book!

i'm going to study art history tonight at the second cup. i'd like to see my Hum. but will i hide this time? i should call someone (maude, maybe?) and ask them if they want to come with me. it should be fun. but i have to study. i also have to finish my 2 books for Tuesday & Thursday. Blah!

My no-school-week is already over! =[ 
haha, it's so different from the time i was in high school! 
god i am hungry!

Current Mood: lazylazy