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14 January 2008 @ 11:36 pm
  I'm all sad now & i don't really understand why. I miss him like hell and I just understood something while i was talking on msn with maude. i thought i never would be able to live my life again the way i did before without him, i thought him being far from me would freeze any social desire and all the passion that is in me. I thought life would be all dark and awful all the time, i thought that i could not go on without him. but, as time passed, i realized that reality got over me and my sorrow, and i started to live normally & i stopped being sad. i made new friends, i laughed: i even thought i was interested by someone else, a friend of mine actually. i go on and have fun, i breathe life again. and, thought all that story froze something in me - like the way i will never see a silver Honda Civic without looking at who's driving it, i will never again see guitars' players the way i did before, neither people who study biochemistry, and all that stuff - i understand that i'm getting over him. Not really, because i still love him, but, i mean, i'm okay. i spend time with my friends, i'm looking for a boyfriend, i feel all creative with my GA fanfic...
 I thought being away from him would freeze everything, i thought the world would definitely stop and i would never be able to smile or laugh again. and look at me. it's not that i feel that i'm betraying him. well, yes, in a way, i feel like i'm betraying almost 3 years of love - well, 2 years & a half near him - by getting over his absence so well. of course, if someone tells me he's teaching sciences or all that, i'll get all weird, but i don't know... i'm better. and yes i miss him, i miss his dark & big eyes, i miss his childish smile, his thick and careless dark brown hair. i miss his body that was too tall and too thin, the way he always looked horrible on pictures... yes i miss him terribly, but i live, i live even if i'm without him.
 I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
 I feel horrible, i think. and i'm seeing him on thursday. and i'm afraid of how he will be. and what i'll say to him. if i was smart, i wouldn't talk to him that much, i'd be polite and concentrate more on my other conversations. i would have done that before, back to the times when i used to see him more often. but now, i won't see him until a couple of months, so i know i'll probably try to talk to him the most i can. i just wish it will go well. oh god! 
 I remember that poem-kind of text i wrote last year, when i was mad at him because he was rude. just before things started to get well between the 2 of us. i'll copy it under that cut. it reminds me of the times i felt that life had somethin to bring me... 
I hate the way your eyes go on me, as if I was only a bug that you needed to kill;
I hate the way you don’t give a shit about what I say, of what I feel, about who I am;
I hate the way you never talk about your life, I hate it when you’re not in a good mood;
I hate the way you can’t say no, the fact that I always need to have someone to defend me when we are debating;
I hate the way you cowardly run away when you have to decline something;
I hate the way you laugh with others, but never me;
I hate the way you smile because it’s making me mad, and you quite know this;
I hate the way you smell, the way your lips do a little “oh” when you say “hello”;
I hate the way your hair curls when it’s too long, but it’s so prettier that way than shorter;
I hate how you imitate weird accents, how you write, how you draw;
I hate when I feel like dying each time I hear your voice from far away;
I hate the breathe that is so present when you sing; I hate it when you sing out loud anyway;
I hate your eyes, since one is smaller than the other;
I hate your thin lips that aren’t symmetrical, the little scar you have above your mouth;
I hate how you dress, how you walk, how you dance sometimes; I hate how cute you are when you are daydreaming;
I hate how your eyes seem smaller under those thick, round and awful glasses;
I hate how you explain things I never seem to understand, I hate how stupid I feel when talking to you;
I hate how beautiful my name sounds when you say it, I hate the fact that you used to smile to me but don’t anymore;
I hate how funny you can be, I hate all those jokes than are just so lame sometimes;
I hate how you always end up with chalk on your pants, how one sleeve slides on your arm when pulled back;
I hate how poetic you sound, how mysterious you are, how devoted you are to that little girl;
I hate how your face gets all cute when you walk in the cold or under the sun;
I hate everything I do in front of you, I hate who you think I am;
I hate how I am dying to reach your hands, how magnificent your fingers are;
I hate that every step I take, every fucking single thing I do is for you;
I hate her, everything she is: I hate it even more when I try to be like her;
I hate how I always end up meeting you when I don’t want you to see me;
I hate how not motivated you are, how bitchy your acts can be;
I hate your shoes that are used at the point, your feet that hit mine once or twice;
I hate how you always take my pencils when you’re helping me;
I hate that you act as if I was a child that understood nothing about life;
I hate the fact that you wrote I.P. to design me;
I hate how you always look awful on pictures, I hate how you are just so mean to me;
I hate how you drive me crazy, how I always want to kill you but end up wanting to kill myself;
I hate that you always have all of me, even with every fucking bitchy moves you make me;
I hate it that we’ll soon be no longer together in a few months;
I hate how you fucking know that I love you;
I hate how you make me feel like dying;
and most of all, I hate myself because I am pathetically, madly, insanely in love with you and that will probably cause my loss at the end.

 Well done, i am crying now... oh god... i miss him so badly... i want him back. i want last year back. i want my old life back!!!! i hate all this. oh god! i want to die. i want him again. i want him again. i am not right when you are not around!!!!!!!
 I don't care that i'm going with Gab, Anne, Maude, Charles, Louis and all those cégep people tomorrow, i don't fuckin care how fun it will be. i don't care about the dinner i'm having on friday with Maude (x2) & Laurence. I don't care going back to Jm on Thursday. I just want my old life back. I want to see him. I want to chat casually with him, say things i would have not said because i was so shy and worried. i want to be back last year. at that same time. january 14th, 2007. one year ago. when life was sweet & fun, when i was with my loved one. when i still thought life had a sense. 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: bittersweet - within temptation